Disclaimer: This story may trigger those who have survived from sexual or ritual abuse, rape, and other forms of physical or psychological abuse. This is MY story, and it took a huge amount of courage for me to disclose it. Therefore, I will not tolerate negative comments, threats or abusive language of any kind. Thank you in advance for your understanding.
I wear a purple heart, close to my heart, almost every day. It’s got the word “Troublemaker” splashed across it. It’s a piece of memorabilia from the movie ‘Brave.” I identify greatly with the fictional Princess Merida, from the film. She is a warrior and a brave soul, who undertakes an epic journey, and who isn’t afraid to shake things up to get to her destination. Neither am I.
The Purple Heart is also synonymous with war veterans and with bravery, of course, but I wear it because I too am a warrior, in my way. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and ritual abuse, with multiple abusers, I know what P.T.S.D. looks, feels, and smells like, in every sense of the meaning. From body memories, ‘spacing out,’ flashbacks of horrific imagery to nightmares, I’ve experienced it all. For years, I was paralyzed by fear. This fear crippled me- to the point that I didn’t want to leave my house, in case I ran into my primary abuser. I also feared that something would trigger me. It could’ve been a sight, sound, or even smell that would’ve triggered me, and I’d have a meltdown in public. It was both deeply humiliating and debilitating. I had panic attacks in stores- I even fainted in a supermarket once while attempting to apply for a job.
My doctor diagnosed me with hypoglycemia at the time, but in hindsight I believe that the pressure of the situation and the smells triggered a meltdown. I was still knee-deep in recovery at the time, so it’s a minor miracle that I survived through it all.
I’ve learned that the abuse was not my fault, and despite what my primary abuser told me, I am not the all-knowing, all-powerful creator of the circumstances that caused everything, including the abuse. My abuser used mind control techniques, akin to what a POW prisoner undergoes. He studied hypnosis and mind control and used it against me. So when there’s any mention of the use of hypnosis to overcome P.T.S.D., I still want to run for the hills, even though I know I’m safe now. I’ve made a great deal of progress with practicing daily, mindful meditation, but the same negative thought patterns, fears, and self-doubts keep cropping up.
Despite all of the mind-twisting my main abuser used against me, I have found a sense of peace, well-being, and purpose with spirituality. But I want to be in complete control of connecting with my consciousness. Instead of simply trying to quiet my brain chatter through mindful meditation, or ‘zone out’ through other methods, I want to reach a deeper level of understanding.
And you can scrap religion as a means to overcome this affliction. My main abuser also subverted my Christian upbringing and sense of morality, forcing me to bow down to Lucifer, as an “angel of God.” Darkness was light; evil was sacred. He said that he used the ‘power of Satan’ to do what he did to me.
He tried to subvert me; he tried to break my spirit. In humiliating me, and using my mind, body and soul for his sick, twisted gratification and ‘spirituality,’ he thought he could kill my soul. By threatening to kill me with a knife, and saying, “I’ll kill myself and take you with me,” he tried to terrify me into silence. By putting ideas into my head and making me second-guess my reality, he tried to force me into silence. He said several times, “if you tell, nobody will believe you.” And for a while, his scare tactics worked.
I am the one in control now. In spite of him and his cronies, I survived with my sense of morality, justice, and purpose intact. Now I know that the abuse doesn’t define me, and that I refuse to let it beat me. Even the occasional dark days are just moments of passing into the light. I may have been a little cracked and bruised, but I am NOT broken. The pieces I’ve glued back together, like a mosaic, and it’s made me into something even more beautiful than what I was born with.
I am a warrior, and it is my mission on earth to help every survivor I meet. I want survivors to know that they are not alone and that there truly is light at the end of the very long, very dark tunnel.