To My Abuser

*Trigger Warning* Sexual and Ritual Abuse Survivors may find this difficult to read. As a survivor, this is something I feel I need to do for my healing. Negative comments will not be tolerated.

How can I believe that his soul is pure and innocent when he defiled mine? When his deeds were the embodiment of evil on earth?

How can I believe that he deserves forgiveness when I’m STILL struggling to forgive myself? When he mutilated my sense of self-worth, destroyed my ability to trust men, fucked up my relationship with my body, my sexuality, my sense of sanity, and safety?

How can you forgive someone who drugged you, locked you up in a closet, made you watch the most horrific things, defiled your body and mind? Then passed you off to strangers, so that they could do the same goddamned thing?

HOW can I possibly forgive somebody for all of those reasons, and more?

The answer is, I can’t. His soul isn’t pure, and it never will be. I don’t give a shit about his status, making it all look so ‘clean.’ The ‘smart, geeky scientist, computer expert and amateur astronomer.’ The ‘family man.’ It’s all bullshit. He can take all the drugs in existence for his ‘illness’. It won’t cure the real issue at hand- he is pure, unadulterated evil.

I can’t forgive, and I can’t ever forget. All I can do is move forward, heal as best as I can, and not let it define me. I will succeed in life, and in love, in spite of the overwhelming odds that were stacked against me from birth. He will NOT rob me of my birthright to happiness because of his sick depravity.

I was a beautiful, innocent child, so full of potential. What were you? A poor excuse for a man.

And James, I am naming and shaming you, right now. Don’t you even THINK of stepping anywhere near me, ever again, or I will rain down such a shitstorm of rage on your head, the devil would be jealous. I’d post your picture on here too, but the sight of your face frankly still makes me want to vomit. I fought off a man twice your size who tried to hurt me, you don’t scare me anymore, pathetic little man.

Karma is a bitch, and so am I. I won’t take shit from ANY man, ever again. I am the one who’s in control now, NOT you!

This is a defiant act to take back my power. Go ahead and try to sue me for besmirching your ‘good name.’ You will NOT destroy me, and my life Will no longer be defined by what you did to me. I will no longer hold myself back, or block myself from moving forward by holding on to this anger, fear and hatred for you. I’m letting go of the hate, but forgiveness is not something you deserve. I forgive myself, alone, for all of the mistakes I’ve made in my life as a result of this toxic chain of dominoes you set up from my birth.

I take responsibility for the damage that I’ve done to my body, mind and spirit, and for the effect that it’s had on others, but I will NEVER take an ounce of blame for what you did to me. I’m not afraid of you anymore.

I will NEVER be your daughter, and you will NEVER play a role in my life, EVER.

The End.

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