Lessons learned

Today I attended my first 12 step meeting. For obvious reasons of required anonymity, I can’t say anything about what transpired during the meeting, but I will share the after-effects of the experience. I think I may be having an epiphany. I hope that’s what’s going on! Anyway, here goes:

  1. Sadness and grief really do come in waves. Like a passing tide, once you allow yourself to wade through it, the current almost knocks you over at first, but once you let the waves wash over you they quickly dissipate.
  2. There are good people out there, who love you just because you exist in as authentic and vulnerable of a space as possible.
  3. Holding on to a sobriety coin really does help when you’re trying to stay open and aware, instead of zoning out.
  4. The negative voices in my head talk to me when I’m eating, when I’m walking in public, when I’m breathing.
  5. The negative voices are assholes.
  6. When I listen to the quieter voice instead, the voice offers me kindness and unconditional love. It’s easier to not disassociate when I listen to the voice of love.
  7. When I call out to my guardian angels and god, there is someone or something there, beyond my reason or understanding. I don’t expect anyone else to understand how I know this…I just do. And somehow, that’s enough when I let it be.

Today I walk the path towards sanity, abstinence and my highest self. I’m not there yet, and I’ve got a lot of hard work to do, but I don’t feel so desperate or overwhelmed anymore, and I feel loved, something that I’ve realized that I do need in order to stop the urge to dance with my demons.

Love from without when I can’t find it within, but somehow I know it’s inside me too. It always has been, I just forget it’s there sometimes. patchwork-heart-1 (1)




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