Today I attended my first 12 step meeting. For obvious reasons of required anonymity, I can’t say anything about what transpired during the meeting, but I will share the after-effects of the experience. I think I may be having an epiphany. I hope that’s what’s going on! Anyway, here goes:
- Sadness and grief really do come in waves. Like a passing tide, once you allow yourself to wade through it, the current almost knocks you over at first, but once you let the waves wash over you they quickly dissipate.
- There are good people out there, who love you just because you exist in as authentic and vulnerable of a space as possible.
- Holding on to a sobriety coin really does help when you’re trying to stay open and aware, instead of zoning out.
- The negative voices in my head talk to me when I’m eating, when I’m walking in public, when I’m breathing.
- The negative voices are assholes.
- When I listen to the quieter voice instead, the voice offers me kindness and unconditional love. It’s easier to not disassociate when I listen to the voice of love.
- When I call out to my guardian angels and god, there is someone or something there, beyond my reason or understanding. I don’t expect anyone else to understand how I know this…I just do. And somehow, that’s enough when I let it be.
Today I walk the path towards sanity, abstinence and my highest self. I’m not there yet, and I’ve got a lot of hard work to do, but I don’t feel so desperate or overwhelmed anymore, and I feel loved, something that I’ve realized that I do need in order to stop the urge to dance with my demons.
Love from without when I can’t find it within, but somehow I know it’s inside me too. It always has been, I just forget it’s there sometimes.