A Farewell to

imageTo the drunken, abusive wretch who nearly ruined me for life, I thank you.

Thank you for allowing me, neigh, implored upon me your will with such vigor that my back nearly broke from carrying your burdens. Thank you for abandoning me when I was fighting for my life, presenting the semblance of an ‘ideal husband,’ when really, you were high-tailing it because you couldn’t handle being around me when I was so ill, and in the hospital.

Thank you for raping me, while I slept, enforcing your dominance over me, mind, body and spirit, just like my father, and others.

Thank you for allowing me to make you my ENTIRE world, and then abandoning me when I was too depressed to move, getting sick and fat from the implosion of my soul, from within.

As usual, I took my anger out on myself, and got the blame for it, because I no longer looked like the girl you fell in love with, the free-spirited, strong-minded, independent woman you just had to have, and control, with all your might. Did it make you feel good, little man? Taking down the big, strong woman, and breaking her spirit?

Thank you for allowing me to love your disease and accept your fuckupedness, while emotionally shutting down when I exposed my flaws and vulnerabilities to you.

And finally, thank you for leaving me for another woman, without the decency of ending our relationship first, in a dignified manner. Thank you for gas-lighting and lying to me, so I questioned my reality, when in my core I KNEW you were cheating on me.

Thank you for humiliating and disgracing me, time, and time again. Thank you for putting me down, and criticizing everything, from my ‘loud’ laugh to my art.

Thank you for all of those things, because without them, I may never have found my way back to myself again.

I have actually forgiven you, but I won’t forget, and I choose not to accept you into my life, or my mind any longer. I release you, completely.

Goodbye, A. I’d be lying if I said that we never had good times, but now I know that it was never enough to make up for the pain and fear you also brought into my life. But now I know what to not only expect, but to DEMAND from my next great love. And it all starts with respect, which you could never give, because you had none to give, especially to yourself. Only I can give that to myself, and so it shall be given to me, in turn.

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