In Heaven and Hell

Even though I know that it’s not your job,

A part of me knows that you hear my silent screams,

And I wish that just once you could reach out directly,

And help to put my mind at ease.

This is both ecstasy AND agony.

I’ve been wrong so many times,

And have been looking for you, for so long,

I am terrified of repeating the same mistakes again.

Even when I think I’m right,

Your actions speak differently.

Are you free?

Do you know me?

So if indeed you are watching me,

As I suspect you are,

(and you know who you are,)

Then you’ll understand what I mean…

Please answer my call,

Tear down that brick wall,

And give me some peace.

Don’t let me fall

On my own.

I can’t breathe,

And I’ve forgotten how to sleep.

Memories, dreams and deja vu is haunting me…

Daily AND nightly.

I don’t care if it’s healthy

Or socially viable,

I am a writer,

And this is MY life,

I am not in denial…

Just afraid,

So very afraid.

Yes, this is deliberately vague,

Because there is so much that I desperately want to say,

But I don’t know how.

Protection is the only way

I can remain sane.

I am not hollow,

I am learning to be whole,

But I realize

I am not entirely in control

Of how I feel.

I am just trying to learn how to live in the now,

And am keeping it real,

As my mind, heart and soul heal.

So let’s not both flee,

One of us has to stop this madness

And hear the other’s plea.

I know that someway, somehow

You hear me,

Even if you’re pretending not to see

Either the forest

Or the trees.

 

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