So I have been on a new journey, as of 24 hours ago: a foray into the “Prozac family,” and a member of the Celexa Society. It’s an exclusive club I didn’t expect to be a part of, despite the fact that I have been dealing with depression, anxiety and P.T.S.D. and its many joys, for most of my life. And while I hope that my membership card will expire before I expire, and that this is just a temporary need, if indeed I will be a lifetime member of this club, I will accept it and adjust. When you are so depressed you can’t even lift your head off of the pillow, you will do just about anything to make the hell and the darkness go away. Although I have been trying to “embrace the discomfort,” as my therapist says, (as a motivating factor for positive change) things have just gotten way out of hand with the depression, and I finally admitted that I needed help beyond what I was already getting. My old coping strategies just weren’t cutting it anymore. Time for some chemical assistance!
Day one on Celexa left me feeling spacier than a space cadet, and generally a little bit dizzy and lightheaded. I was also aware of my heartbeat more than usual, and had some slight shortness of breath. I was also aware of having feelings, I just felt disconnected from them, and while the lack of startle response, hypervigilance or overthinking was a refreshing change from the norm, it left me feeling a bit scared, and out of control. The nice thing about it though was that the drowsiness I felt helped me sleep a little bit better than the day before I started taking it, so I will adjust and start taking it in the evenings, rather than the mornings. My doctor did say that for some people, it can cause insomnia, while for others, drowsiness.
So that is fine. Day two on Celexa finds me feeling still a little big foggy-headed, but much clearer than yesterday, and generally more upbeat, which is great. I am also less angry, short-tempered and irritable, and my startle response is lessened. All good things. I am still finding a bit of shortness of breath and heartbeat is up though, but that could be because my blood pressure has been elevated too. No doubt, the blood pressure elevation is down to the PCOS, and a lot of life changes, which are throwing this Taurus girl for a loop (we do like our comfort zones, after all, even when they are no longer serving us so well.) The other thing that is of concern is that I am feeling a tad shaky, especially under stress, which seems to be most of the time. This is not normal for me, and so while my response to stress has changed a bit, the physical manifestations have changed too. So I guess this will need to be addressed in therapy. Also, I am still having trouble with manual dexterity.
Whenever things change with my body I get anxious and concerned, so this is going to take some time to get adjusted to, being a part of Club Celexa. But I will get there, and I will learn how to take each day as it comes, and will find the humor and the positives as best as I can, now that I am capable of doing both, again.